EPA finds humans guilty of expelling hazardous waste

I’m not sure the exact day I came to realize I was hazardous waste, but I’m sure it was after the head of the Environmental Protection Agency announced that she was going to declare carbon dioxide a pollutant.

The realization that I and creatures like me, i.e., human beings, were toxic had been building for some time. In watching and reading the mainstream media, I came to realize that the element carbon is clearly the enemy of the planet — I deduced this by the constant accusatory comments employed when discussing the consequences of one’s “carbon footprint,” which apparently is always bad.

I became even more alarmed at the discussion of the tons of carbon being released to savage the Earth’s climate by just doing everyday things, like traveling from place to place, utilizing the internal-combustion engine and raising food.

The shocking personal nature of the problem derives from the fact that all life on Earth is based on the carbon atom! In fact, it is the only form of viable life of which we are aware and while there have been some good science-fiction stories based on the idea that we might find life elsewhere based on silicone or nitrogen, here on Earth, we are all based on carbon.

Essentially then, we are all sacks of polluting material, human smokestacks belching our carbon-dioxide taint into the air every moment of our existence.

When you realize this you see a plethora of problems develop, such as how are we supposed to be safely disposed of once our life has ended?  You certainly don’t want to put a bunch of polluting material back into the ground, so I suppose the only responsible thing to do is to be encased in large sealed sandwich bags like those used to dispose of asbestos. After that we can be encased in cement and put to some responsible use, such as building pedestals for wind turbines.

I also notice that in “health clubs” people are encouraged to breathe heavily and more often — this must immediately he brought to a halt.  Motivating a piece of polluting equipment to essentially rev its engine and expel more toxic fumes into the atmosphere is not responsible and most likely should be illegal. At the very least, some type of cap-and-trade system should be established where health clubs are required to plant a certain number of trees for each member.

It should also be obvious that the propagation of more polluting organic subsystems (human beings) should be slowed or perhaps halted and the remaining population encouraged to remain still and breathe as shallowly as possible.

Actually, the people who should remain still and breathe as little as possible are the politicians who are trying to use this rapidly melting mumbo jumbo to redistribute wealth and reach the Holy Grail of Collectivism — control of the means of production.

As far as the settled science canard on global warming goes, it’s not only incorrect, it would hardly be a recommendation. It was settled science a few hundred years ago that if you didn’t feel well you had too much blood and it would perk you right up to have your barber open a vein while he was giving you the newest hairdo.

The ironic piece of this whole debate is that the global-warming lobby likes to act as though they are Galileo and detractors are the Inquisition, when the situation is actually the reverse. Global-warming skeptics, like our astronomer Mr. Galilei, are punished and vilified by an oppressive group seeking control by eliminating critical thought.

If you think these tactics won’t have an impact on our life in Western Colorado, just refer back to the recent story of the EPA looking into emissions from natural gas extraction and guess the direction that’s headed.

Some say the devil is in the details, but lawyers know the devil is in the definitions — it’s there that an overbroad classification can lead to a mountain of unexpected (to some) regulation.

Just don’t gasp at any new rules, you’ll just be harming the planet.


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