‘Missy Awards’ given for ridiculous political behavior

With awards season in full swing, we didn’t want to miss our opportunity here at the bottom of the editorial page to hand out our newly minted “Misunderestimated Awards” (The Missys) for political regression.

The first Missy is a special category this year, going out to The Best Republican Governor since 2002-there’s a lot of excitement in the air but I think the winner should be obvious as, John Hickenlooper.

By never meeting a conflict he doesn’t avoid, Gov. Hickenlooper has managed to advance more Republican projects than most politicians in recent memory.  We hear at the Missy’s can only hope he continues to disappoint Democrats for the next two years.

Our next award is for Continuing Geographical Education and I have to say the competition wasn’t even close. Our winner is Pueblo Democrat Sal Pace, now running for the 3rd Congressional District seat lost by his former boss, John Salazar.

After having served as congressional district director for Congressman Salazar, apparently from a card table set up in his living room in Pueblo, Pace has now learned several facts about the congressional district.

For instance, Dinosaur, Colo., is not a theme park and Rifle is an actual place, not something for which the CBI conducts a background check. Keep up the good work. It’s only a matter of time until he realizes that Meeker is not a personality trait.

The Missy for Vindicating the Process goes to the Mesa County District 3 Commissioner write-in candidate Woody Walcher.

After participating in the GOP county assembly and losing, our winner went on to proclaim himself a write-in candidate and publicly attack the assembly nominee. There is little more that a person could do to show the process came to the right conclusion. Thanks to our winner for going the extra mile.

This next award is for the Most Evolving Clothing Style and once again there’s very little real competition. The winner is U.S. Sen. Mark Udall.

As public opinion seems to be turning against the senator among western voters, his personal style for visiting the area has evolved to the Western shirt and bolo tie look we see him adopting here but oddly, nowhere else. We here at the Missy’s predict that if his popularity remains on this trajectory, we will probably see the senator at next year’s Club 20 meeting wearing a serape, black Montana style hat and smoking a cheroot.

Our next category, Best Reason for Directly Electing the Mayor, goes to the Grand Junction City Council for internally choosing a mayor who was the subject of one of the more questionable events in local political memory.

This situation I’m referring to was also in close contention for the category of Most Surprising Coincidence, as now Mayor Bill Pitts said he’d been trying for years to get the city to perform $44,000 worth of drainage rehab to his property. Coincidentally, upon his being elected to City Council and talking to the former city manager, the work was done.

Moving on now to the prestigious, Profiles in Timidity award, we open the envelope to reveal — the Legislature’s Republican leadership.

This award comes for GOP leaders demonstrating the strength of their position on the civil unions bill by putting it at the end of the session and filibustering it until time ran out.

What really locked up this award was when legislators were called back to a special session to deal with the civil unions bill. It was killed in committee without a floor debate. Nothing shows the strength of a position like refusing to talk about it.

Not to be outdone however, legislative Democrats managed to garner the Midnight Toker prize for killing the bill that would’ve given law enforcement some baseline for determining when a person was too stoned to drive.

Since proponents of marijuana legalization always want to put the drug on par with alcohol, we can only assume that next session, Democrats will work to eliminate the blood-alcohol provisions for DUI.

I realize there were many deserving topics we were unable to cover. Fortunately, there is plenty of year and newsprint left to recognize even more dubious achievements. Good topics for us, not so hot for the republic.

Rick Wagner writes more on politics at his blog, The War on Wrong.


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