Spoiler alert: Season finale of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to include cliffhanger!

Script of tomorrow night’s big “Grey’s Anatomy” season finale:

The scene: Chaos outside Seattle Grace Hospital. Doctors and nurses frantically rush around as ambulances unload hundreds of bleeding Screen Actors Guild members.

Dr. Derrick Sheppard: (surveying the carnage): What happened?

Dr. Bailey: A passenger ferry crashed into a cargo ship.

Sheppard: Again? That same thing happened in episode 51.

Bailey: Uh, what I meant to say is that there was an explosion in an apartment building.

Sheppard: Episode 63.

Bailey: A car ran into a busy sidewalk caf&233;?

Sheppard: That’ll work.

Dr. Mark Sloan: I need some relationship advice.

Sheppard: I can’t talk now!

Sloan: Because of all these injured patients?

Sheppard: No, because we have to go to commercial.

CUT TO:

Three minutes of ads for feminine hygiene products.

BACK TO:

Sheppard: So like I was saying, Mark, just tell her you love her and that she’s the only woman for you. Then apologize for sleeping with those 14 nurses last week.

Sloan: Got it. Now let’s try to figure out how someone could just drive into a crowd of innocent people.

Bailey: I hate to stereotype, but the driver was a 107-year- old man. He has dementia and his driver’s license had been revoked.

Sheppard: So? That doesn’t prove anything.

Bailey: Plus he was driving a Toyota Prius.

Sheppard and Sloan: Oh my God!

Dr. Meredith Grey: Can someone help me with this patient?

Sloan: What are her vitals?

Grey: She’s a B-list actress making a special guest appearance.

Sloan: I see. Give her 30 CCs of something that has a lot of letters in it.

Grey: I did, but there’s still internal bleeding. She’s fading fast.

Sloan: It’s too late for her. We’re going to have to call it.

Grey: But Dr. Sloan …

Sloan: Don’t argue with me! There are hundreds of dying people out here. We need to focus on the patients we can save. Call it.

Grey: OK. Time of death: 2:17 p.m.

B-list Actress: Hello! I’m down here. Still alive.

Grey:  I’m very sorry about that. We’ll get you admitted right away. We’ll just need your health insurance information.

B-list Actress: But I don’t have health insurance.

Grey: Time of death: 2:17 p.m.

Woman: Excuse me, doctor, but that man over there being worked on is my husband. How is he?

Sheppard: He’s going to make it, but his right leg is in really bad shape. It was completely destroyed by the car’s engine.

Woman: Will you be able to save it?

Sheppard: Uh … I don’t know. I guess we can have a mechanic take a look at it later.

Woman: No, I meant his leg.

Sheppard: Oh. Don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

(Sound of chainsaw starting.)

NEARBY:

Bailey: (approaching a bleeding man on a stretcher): Tell me what happened.

Man: My girlfriend and I were on the ferry when it crashed.

Bailey: Ferry? You obviously didn’t get the script changes. (She hands him some papers.)

Man: Hmm. What I meant to say is that my girlfriend and I were eating lunch at a charming sidewalk caf&233; when a car hit us.

Bailey: It’s OK. We’re going to take good care of you.

Man: You know, I was finally going to pop the question to my girlfriend at lunch today. I’ve still got the engagement ring in my pocket. We’ve been in love since ninth grade.

Bailey: Um, all right. But why are you telling me all this?

Man: I’m establishing background so that the viewer is emotionally invested in my character.

Bailey: Let’s get you into surgery.

Man: OK, but I sure hope I don’t die right after proposing to her in a dramatic, tear-jerking final scene.

Bailey: Don’t worry. If you flatline, we’ll save your life by “throwing out the rulebook” and using a revolutionary new surgical technique that we came up with on the spot.

Man: Didn’t you already do that in episodes 23 and 87?

Bailey: We do that every episode.

Man: But you’re positive I’ll live?

Bailey: We’ll know more later.

Man: You mean after the surgery?

Bailey: No, I mean after the season premiere in September.

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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