To kick butt or not to kick butt: That was the question

Scene: An office in the West Wing.

President of the United States: Dude, what should I do? I am so angry. How could he stab me like that?

Courtier Gibbs: Man, I have never seen you so angry.

POTUS: Yeah. How could that guy say those things about me? I made him, dude, made him. He owes me.

Courtier Emanuel: Well, perhaps no one will notice it.

Courtier Gibbs: Well, I already heard it being mentioned around. People seemed interested.

POTUS: You mentioned it or they did?

Courtier Gibbs: Yeah, it was them who brought it up. Yup, that was it all right.

POTUS:  Of course, if you had brought it up, it would be OK, because it makes me look pretty good.

Courtier Gibbs: Then I might have raised the issue first.

POTUS: I’m glad to hear about it. I’ll go all Truman here in a day or so and kick that general’s butt. People will feel better once they see that I can do that.

There won’t be any more of that “Bamlet” crap. I’ll make that clear.

In fact, I’ll make it “McChrystal clear,” get it? The message is unmistakable. I’m in charge.

In fact, I think we ought to bring in that guy from the magazine and give him an exclusive.

Courtier Emanuel: Very good, sir. An excellent turn of phrase on the general’s name. I only wish I could do that. However, your other idea fails to acknowledge one important fact.

POTUS: Uh, and that would be?

Courtier Emanuel: That there is something rotten in the state of Afghanistan.

Courtier Gibbs: Afghanistan? Whaddya mean, Afghanistan? I was talking about the political trial in Chicago.

POTUS: There are a hundred political trials in Chicago at any one time. Which one?

Courtier Gibbs: The one with the former governor. You know, where you and he were negotiating over who should get your old Senate seat?

Courtier Emanuel: Don’t say that, you little @!@#$%. You could get a #$@%#$%) U&*&*^&*^&!@#$ (pauses for breath) @#$#!@$#$#$ subpoena!

POTUS: (with his trademark calm) So let me catch up here. What I’m hearing is that it’s beginning to dawn on people, thanks to the soon-to-bedeparted, but not dearly missed McChrystal, that we have no idea what we’re doing in Afghanistan. Also, that certain parties, who shall remain nameless, might have been alleged to have participated in unfortunately misunderstood discussions regarding certain office holders?

That about the size of it?

Courtier Emanuel: Then there’s that whole Gulf of ...

Courtier Gibbs: It’s possible that no one will notice.

Courtier Emanuel: Mexico. You freakin’ idiot. Everyone knows that Rolling Stone and Blagojevich are read!

POTUS: Chill out, dudes. I was out walking last night on the portico and I had dreams of my father. He’s helping us through this.

(Gibbs and Emanuel exchange nervous glances)

Anyway, he helped me come up with the way to deal with that whole oil spill thing.

Courtier Gibbs: Great. Whatcha got up your ol’ sleeve?

POTUS (smirking): See, by the time I’m done, BP is going to stand for, wait for it ... You are waiting, right?

OK, (deep breath) ... Bankruptcy Protection.

Don’t you love it? It’s perfect.

Courtier Emanuel: I’m sure that’s exactly what the American public is dying to hear, sir.

POTUS: See, I was thinking of that clown, Tony Hayward. You remember the guy?

Alas, poor Hayward. I kicked his butt

Anyway, it came to me, that this was the answer. No rescue for BP. Let them go bankrupt. No GM rescue for those limey jerks.

Courtier Gibbs: So, if BP has BP, who pays for the cleanup?

Courtier Emanuel: Shut up, you @#%$%$#%$#.!

POTUS: See, it’s all clearly working out, McChrystal clear.


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