Twitter: a waste of cyberspace

Today we’ll start off with a warm and friendly message to all you nice folks out there who — without any sort of compensation or personal benefit — are kind enough to selflessly reach deep down into your souls and use Twitter to bravely share with us your innermost thoughts and feelings:

Get a life, you losers.

No wait, sorry. The message I meant to say is: Thank you for the valuable service you provide. If it weren’t for your constant Twitter updates, many of us would have no idea what you had for lunch today. And I, for one, do not wish to live in such a world.

We’ll give a quick background on Twitter, mostly because some people have never heard of it. These are what’s known as “lucky people.”

Like tie-dyed shirts, Rice-A-Roni, Nancy Pelosi, and everything else wrong with America, Twitter originated in San Francisco. There, it was created by a computer programmer just three years ago. They came up with the word “Twitter” from the name of a rare venereal disease found rampant amongst rural turtle colonies in southern Peru.

But what exactly is it? According to its own homepage, Twitter is “a device agnostic message routing system with rudimentary social networking features.”

So that should clear things up. More simply, it’s a way to electronically communicate updates on your life.

And here I’m talking about important stuff — personal thoughts and reflections on only the most significant, life-altering events, such as who will be eliminated on “Dancing With the Stars.”

But there’s other stuff, too. Say, for example, a Twitter user has a taco salad for lunch. Afterward, he or she will post about it on Twitter. (No, I’m not kidding.) People will read this post, then Twitter back about how they also had a taco salad for lunch, or how a taco salad has a deceptively large amount of calories, or how such-and-such a place has the best taco salads.

Now can you sort of understand the appeal? Me neither. That’s because I’m not cool enough to Twitter. If I want to tell someone I had a taco salad for lunch, I would just go up to them in person and say, “I had a taco salad for lunch.” And they, in turn, would punch me in the face.

Or at least they should. Recaps of meals are not fascinating. Unless you found a severed human finger in your foot-long sub or Megan Fox licked the Honey-Mustard sauce off your Chicken McNuggets, your lunch story is not interesting enough to be digitally published.

Which may be why Twitter is facing some questions about its future viability. A co-founder of the company recently told The New York Times, “Twitter does not have meaningful revenue.” And many others have speculated that the whole thing won’t even be around in a few years.

There is also some bad news.

After performing a study of more than 2,000 random Twitter posts, the Internet research firm Pear Analytics determined that 40 percent of Twitter content can be classified as (in their words) “pointless babble.” I found this to be infuriating. It’s like they’re trying to copy me.

Still, people are signing up en masse to read various Twitter updates. Scary but astonishing fact: Ashton Kutcher has over 3 million followers. That means roughly 1 percent of Americans are interested in reading the day-to-day ramblings of a former sitcom actor.

Strange? Sure. But get used to it. This is the future, and there’s nothing we can do about it, other than to hope that the Mayan calendar is right.

What it boils down to is that Twitter is just another cyber waste of time. Instead of focusing on the trivial, we should use the Internet for more productive things, like looking at pornography.

Call me backward and out-of-date, but that’s my view on Twitter. Disagree? Let me know and we’ll get together to discuss it. But let’s wait until this afternoon.

Because I had this awesome lunch and I want to tell you ALL about it.


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