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HOST: Hello, and welcome to the Good Morning America Early Today Show. I’m your white middle-aged non-threatening looking host, here alongside my co-host, a woman who has been deemed “pleasant” by over 10 different focus groups.
CO-HOST: Good morning.
HOST: Coming up this hour, survivors of the San Francisco airplane crash recount their horrific ordeal and talk about how hard it has been since the crash to both sleep and pick out a personal injury lawyer.
CO-HOST: Then later, it’s fashion week in Paris. Our fashion expert will show us the latest styles coming out of Europe that, frankly, nobody would ever be caught dead in.
HOST: Right now, though, we go live to our reporter covering the developing situation in Cairo, Egypt. Good morning.
REPORTER: Good morning? Maybe for you. Personally, I am in a dangerous, filthy city, surrounded by extremists who want to kill Americans.
HOST: What’s the latest?
REPORTER: It’s nothing short of historic, where a government consisting of violent, radical Islamists has been overthrown and replaced by some completely different — violent, radical Islamists.
HOST: How is the average citizen reacting to the change? What’s the word on the street?
REPORTER: Word on the street? Are you for real? You think I’m going to risk my life for some faceless media conglomerate and go out in this angry mob to get some “word on the street?” Ten seconds after we’re done here, I’ll throw on a fake beard and white robe and high-tail it out of here.
HOST: Um, OK, then ...
REPORTER: And after work? Well lemme tell you about THAT, Mr. $18 million-a-year host, with your cozy, air-conditioned studio and open tab at the Manhattan Four Seasons. Downtime here is a blast. I can’t buy a beer, of course, because alcohol goes against the tenets of Islam, but that’s OK, because I’m still able to go back to my flea-infested hotel room, kick back, turn on the TV, and enjoy a fun, carefree three hours of Islamic television. Have you ever been in a situation where everyone wants to kill you and where your entertainment options were limited to only those programs pre-approved by Muslim clerics? WELL, HAVE YOU?
CO-HOST: There’s war, violence, and economic malaise, but let’s switch now to more important, life-altering matters, such as Kate Middleton’s pregnancy. Susan Reynolds joins us now from London. Susan, what’s the latest on the Duchess of Cambridge?
SUSAN: She’s still pregnant.
CO-HOST: That’s it?
SUSAN: Well, actually I was able to score an exclusive interview with Kate.
CO-HOST: And what did she have to say?
SUSAN: What do you think she said? She’s pregnant. First she yelled at me and said her feet felt like they were “blimps.” Then she told me to get her something from Taco Bell.
CO-HOST: Is there anything else you can report?
SUSAN: I’m sorry, but Buckingham Palace is taking extreme measures to ensure the royal family’s privacy.
CO-HOST: How so?
SUSAN: Ultrasound photos show the baby wearing a hat and sunglasses.
HOST: Even after counting commercials, we have 125 minutes of programming to fill, which is why we’ve invited our next guest, Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian clan, to join us. Kris, your husband’s Botox is the butt of late-night jokes, your daughter has a sex tape out, three of your children are unemployed and you have a grandchild born out of wedlock named “North.” Exactly how embarrassing is it to be you?
JENNER: I’m proud of all my family members.
HOST: Really? Are you somehow incapable of feeling shame?
JENNER: Well let’s put it this way: The love of my life, first husband Robert Kardashian, helped defend O.J. Simpson.
HOST: Excellent point.
HOST: That wraps up our first segment. Coming up in our next hour, we’ll talk to a person who thought she may have heard Paula Deen tell a dirty joke 34 years ago ...