Feel like you’re just a number? So does Stylist No. 3

It was time for a haircut, so I approached the counter of the Super Great Cost Cutter Clips, where the stylist stared at a computer. “Phone number?” She mumbled. I sort of looked around to see who she was talking to. It was me. I was caught off guard, because this is not how one typically starts a conversation. I was expecting a “Welcome to Super Great Cost Cutter Clips!” or a “Hi! Thanks for coming in today!” I would have settled for a “What the ...

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A tipping point in the debate over gratuities

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that physicists have just identified the origins of the universe — I just wished they spent their energy solving more complex issues, such as tipping. I’m still lost when it comes to knowing when, and how much, to tip. Twenty percent for the person who cuts your hair, right? But what if you have a coupon? Or what if they do a bad job, like when I go in and ask her to make me look like Channing Tatum, but walk out resembling Jim ...

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Infomercial hell: Your guide to late-night TV viewing

You know who I feel sorry for? Those poor souls on the night shift who get off work at, say, 2 a.m. and who come home just wanting to relax and wind down by turning on the TV, only to find the same wasteland of nothingness I discovered the other night while on the couch, where I had escaped to after my sleepless 4-year-old daughter came into our room at 2:16 a.m. to (why not?) sing the theme song from “Aladdin.” You know what’s on TV at 2:30 a.m.? The “Insanity ...

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My Minority Status Off The Reservation

The first thing that came to mind when I recently found out I may be Native American is to whether this meant I could get comped at an Indian casino. The second thing I thought about is whether I’d want the 2,000 angry emails that would accompany a column that pokes fun at race. And while there’ll always be a few easily-offended readers out there, they should take caution. As a person of color, I’m operating under the assumption that any criticism of me represents nothing ...

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2012 Year In Review

2012 was a year when Coloradans stormed to the ballot box and said, “We want drugs.” They did so because Coloradans had just spent the last seven months listening to negative campaign ads. But the election wasn’t the only reason to ingest mood-altering plants. There were other noteworthy events in our area, beginning in… January ■  Greyhound drops plans to relocate their bus depot to the 24 1/2 Road and Patterson area in a move that upsets at least one ...

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Putting the ‘Hard’ in Hardware

Three thousand years from now, when archaeologists research the fall of the American empire, they’ll discover that the decline began when they started putting Cinderella books in hardware stores. We saw it Saturday, at one of those big-box hardware stores I will identify here only as Lows Depot. My daughter wanted the book, and we were about to go to war over it. She probably shouldn’t even have been there, but when going to a hardware store, I always bring along a three ...

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Here I am, rock you like a hurricane (Sandy)

Seeing the East Coast’s devastation from Hurricane Sandy should make us realize how lucky we are to live here in Colorado where the only tragic, life-altering disaster we’ve ever had occurred when the Broncos hired Josh McDaniels. Yes, we get tornados. But those happen on the Eastern plains, which really isn’t a part of Colorado, otherwise the glossy official state travel magazines would show less Steamboat and Telluride, and more Lamar. We do get wildfires, which, ...

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Turning off ‘Cinderella’ is slipper-y slope

It’s movie night, and the request is for “Cinderella.” Why not?” I grumble to myself. We may have missed something during the first 57 viewings. So a recap of the Disney classic is in order. Yes, I know. You’ve seen it. But have you REALLY digested the story? Absorbing it to the depths of your soul? Have you, for example, watched it six consecutive nights? Been subjected to dialogue recitation during every meal? Have you been forced to wear an officially ...

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And now we go to the prezzzzzzidential duh-bate

We go live to Denver ... Moderator: Good evening. My name is Jim Lehrer and welcome to the first of three presidential debates. Tonight, we’ll— Romney:—Jim, I’m sorry, but I have to respond to that. Moderator: In a moment. Before the debate, a coin toss was held to determine who would speak first. After the toss, election lawyers representing each campaign challenged the results of the toss, and the matter is now being litigated in federal court. So let’s ...

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Tractors, tickets and tattoos: Fruita Fall Festival recap

Don’t get me wrong. I like rusted tractors. I grew up in Granby, where rides on the back of a rusted tractor were our version of mass transit. There’s a certain historical charm to them that’s representative of our state’s agricultural roots. It’s just that after the first 50, they start blending into one. (“Honey, is that a 1949 International? Honey? Honey? Hey! Wake up.”) Which is why I’m excited to make our way downtown for the festival. ...

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Penalties for not paying attention will be swift and severe!

Guys, the secret to successfully communicating with your wife is listening. Mainly her listening, but occasionally you should listen, too. And here I’m talking about setting aside time for serious, focused, lengthy, heart-to-heart talks where you actively engage in real, intense listening throughout the entire commercial break. Eventually, however, the game will come back on, so you’ll want to stop listening and wrap things up quickly, but diplomatically. “I understand ...

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Football is back: a view from the belchers, er, bleachers

I’m aware there was life before the invention of football. I just can’t imagine it being any good. I don’t know what people did in, say, the 1300s, when you didn’t have NBC Sunday Night Football or Coors Light, or honey-glaze hot wings. That whole bubonic plague thing probably wasn’t very pleasant either. But we have football now, and it’s back. And I think I speak for football fans across America when I say, “BUUURP!” Sorry about that. Me ...

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B-I-N-G-O spells 
redneck family fun

It’s an exciting Friday afternoon at the bingo hall on 28 Road, where I’m just two numbers away from the jackpot. Or maybe I’ve already won. Who knows? It’s so hard to concentrate when your 3-year-old is asking to use the potty and your 9-month-old is trying to eat the dauber. You may question my judgment for organizing a family outing at a bingo parlor, but I say that traditional activities like going to a park offer nothing more than the same old fresh air, ...

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Welcome, CMU students: Have a Mav-elous time

Hello, CMU students! On behalf of the citizens of Grand Junction, let me offer you a warm welcome to our community. We’re sincerely glad you you’re here and are thrilled that the other schools you applied to sent you rejection letters. You didn’t get lost on the way did you? Apparently, in the past, some of you have the gotten us confused with the town of Mesa, Arizona, which is why we changed the school’s name from Mesa State last year. Hopefully you found us all ...

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Bad(minton) sportsmanship at the Olympics

If I told you a month ago that the biggest story of the 2012 Summer Olympics would involve the Indonesian badminton team, you would have said I have serious mental issues. You would have been correct, by the way, but that’s not the point. The point is that Indonesia, along with three other countries, was kicked out of the Olympics badminton competition for trying to lose. When you think about how hard these athletes worked to get here, and how they achieved their lifelong dream of ...

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From A to Zzzzz: a review of the Olympic opening cere-monotony

Every four years I look forward to the 3 1/2-hour-long Summer Olympics opening ceremony, as it — at least for one night — both unites the world and saves me from having to take an Ambien. I want to see the Americans walk into the stadium, but it’d be easier to stay awake if they didn’t always put the USA toward the end. NBC does that for ratings. Or maybe it’s alphabetical order. Either way, it’s the one night of my life that I wish I were ...

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Coupons save a pile of money on stuff you didn’t know you needed

Clipping coupons is a productive and enjoyable way to pay a lot less for things you never would have purchased in the first place. It’s also becoming popular in these tough economic times, when people’s dire financial situations force them to spend money on only the most necessary essentials, like decorative cellphone covers. Part of the popularity stems from programs like “Extreme Couponers,” which is a show about people who clip coupons, then go bungee ...

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Claim your free Obama utility bill money today!

I wanted to let you all know that authorities are reporting some scams going around that claim President Barack Obama will pay your electric bill. Please, folks, whatever you do, do NOT fall for it. Obama is not going to pay your electric bill. It’s your water bill he’ll pay. This means that if you receive some shady emails from strangers claiming to be from the Obama administration, offering to send you free money with no strings attached, you should just “trust your ...

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Chuck this skinny Chuck-E-Cheese to the curb

While many of you feel our country has lost that “can do” spirit, I was happy to learn that at least one enterprising American has finally solved a problem that’s been on a lot of our minds lately, which is: “How can we make the Chuck-E-Cheese mascot even more annoying?” This affects me because my kids are starting to make friends, and every single Saturday at least one of them celebrates a birthday. These parties are required, by law, to be held at ...

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Take me out to the beer line ... er ... ball game

There were a lot of entertainment options in Grand Junction last Saturday. Marie and I didn’t want to be one of those idiots roasting in 100 degree weather at Country Jam, so we decided to be one of those idiots roasting in 100 degree weather at Suplizio Field instead. We brought along toddlers just to make it more interesting. The Rockies ... how should I say this? ... have some bugs to work out. The post office thinks their customer service could use some help. First there was the ...

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Big Gulp ban hard to swallow

We now go live to New York City, where Mayor Michael Bloomberg is addressing the media ... Bloomberg: First off, I want to apologize for the long security lines getting in. No one likes to be searched, but security has to be on the lookout for dangerous and illegal items, like guns, explosives or Big Gulps. My friends, New York City is on the brink. Companies are fleeing. Our unemployment is 8.6 percent. Our homeless population has increased 21 percent, and last year we had over 500 ...

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The Strip is no place for kids ... except yours

Taking a toddler and a 6-month-old to Las Vegas may not have been the smartest idea — I’ll grant you that — but forcing my wife and me to undergo a 24-hour mental health evaluation seemed a bit excessive. The idea for the trip began when I won a package from the Casablanca in Mesquite. The hotel rooms were totally free, unless you factor in gambling losses, in which case they were $400 per night. This was our first family road trip since somebody had impregnated my wife ...

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More fodder from the police blotter

In previous police blotter recaps, we’ve detailed a spate of real-life police reports in which residents of the Grand Valley assaulted other people with beans. In turns out those incidents were just strange anomalies. Local citizens are no longer attacking other people with simple proteins. They’re now using complex carbohydrates like potatoes. Here I’m talking about the recent true case of a 60-year-old Grand Junction man who, according to GJ police, was involved in a ...

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Dear preschool grads: Oh, the cupcakes you’ll enjoy

I didn’t realize graduating from preschool was a big deal. I just assumed it to be an uneventful rite of passage completed by every human to have ever lived — the only exception being Genghis Khan, who was kicked out of preschool for beheading the teacher. And yet, there it was, the announcement from my niece, informing us she had completed the requirements to graduate (with full honors, I assume) from Pear Park Elementary preschool. There was to be a ceremony, followed by a ...

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Welcome JUCO visitors: Don’t ever leave

Dear JUCO visitors, As vice president of the Grand Junction/Fruita Advisory on Regional Tourism (GJ/FART), it is my pleasure to welcome you to our community. All of us here in the Grand Valley are thrilled to have you here this week. That’s because you’re paying us a 3 percent nightly lodging tax. Don’t get the wrong impression though. We don’t just look at you as some faceless, anonymous tourist paying a lodging tax. We know you’re paying a 7.65 percent ...

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Clifford not just big, but huge with the bedtime-storytelling set

Every once in awhile a children’s book comes along that dazzles you with a delightful combination of simple storytelling, intriguing characters and pulse-pounding action. This is not one of them. Which is fine by me. This book reviewer does not want an action-packed story. He just wants something that will make his 3-year-old daughter fall asleep, considering that it is 8:13 p.m. and he still has chores to do. He wants something that is slow, dull and sleep-inducing. He’s ...

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A rose by any other name ... isn’t fooling anyone

So Bresnan is now Optimum, Mesa State is CMU, and Qwest is Century Link. But I’m still Steve — that is, until the PR firm I hired comes back with their recommendations, at which point they’ll undoubtedly suggest I switch to something more hip and exotic, like “Javier.” A lot of institutions have recently adopted new names. Some of these changes are a result of acquisitions, while others are a result of marketing people who like to sniff glue. Bresnan used to ...

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Spring Cleanup GJ’s chance to kick it to the curb

It’s trash week here in GJ. Officially the city calls it “The Annual Spring Cleanup.” That’s because “Drag That Hideous, Old Broken Lazy-Boy With the Questionable Stains to the Curb” was already taken. It’s a time when citizens get rid of things they no longer want or need, like dressers, old appliances or husbands. According to the city’s website, the two-week event started in the early 1990s. Originally it was called the “Fresh As a ...

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Diapers? Fugettaboutit! The Mafia’s Guide to Potty Training

The first rule of potty training is to realize that each toddler is different. Some children first start using the toilet at age 1, some at age 2, while others (like my daughter), sometime during their sophomore year of college. We’ve tried everything on our 3- year-old, including buying her a regular potty seat. That didn’t work, so my parents upgraded her to a Disney Princess potty seat. I guess the theory being that plopping your butt cheeks down on a picture of ...

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Welcome to Fruita. Have a nice &@! stay, you #*!

Stay classy, Fruita. That was my reaction upon hearing the city’s two potential tourism slogans, both of which they came up with after consulting with their marketing director, Snookie from “Jersey Shore.” The first slogan is a play on the vulgar acronym “WTF?” in which the “F” part stands for a very bad word you hear on construction sites after someone accidentally nail guns an index finger to a roofing shingle. Fruita’s city manager ...

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We now return to our regularly scheduled programming

So where were we? Oh, that’s right, quitting this column. Unfortunately, writing is about as addictive as meth. And just as profitable. In fact, they should make public service announcements for recovering writers, similar to those annoying anti-meth commercials you always see on TV. (“Don’t try writing. Not even once.”) So I’m back here at the Sentinel, at least until I burn out, or offend someone, which should be in about, oh, four sentences from now. ...

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Parting shots—and a fond farewell—in this final column

One day when I was speaking to a third grade class, a little girl asked, “How long does it take to write a column?” “About a six-pack,” I told her. “Maybe a Jack and Coke if I’m struggling for material.” And that was the last time I was ever invited to speak on “Career Day.” Which is probably good, since I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is that I haven’t figured out a way to turn this writing hobby ...

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Changing signs an issue of astrological proportion

Horoscopes. They keep showing up in the newspaper despite the fact nobody ever reads them. In that way they’re like the section that gives you the water level at Blue Mesa Reservoir or the tips on how to play Bridge. Or this column. They’ve also been in the news a lot lately after reports surfaced that everyone’s astrological sign might be wrong. But what, exactly, is astrology? Rob Brezsny, a prominent national horoscope columnist, defines astrology as a “poetic ...

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More fodder from the police blotter

I’m disappointed in you, Mesa County. Just when I thought we’d begin 2011 with a safe, fresh, crime-free start, you go and kick off the new year by committing heinous crimes, such as entering a stranger’s home and turning their pictures sideways. More on that later, because I want to start off our look at actual police blotter entries with the Jan. 2 edition, in which a Grand Junction woman “called Friday night to report that someone phoned her twice after finding ...

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Weigh to go! Your guide to New Year diet plans

Weight loss. It’s been one of humanity’s major concerns forever, going all the way back to that day in the Garden of Eden when Eve approached Adam and asked, “Does this fig leaf make my butt look big?” And it continues today. Especially today. Surveys always show that losing weight is one of the top New Year’s resolutions, right behind “quitting smoking,” and “stop sniffing magic markers.” But what is a time-tested method for losing ...

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Weed, greed & need:  The 2010 year in review

It’s that time when we look back on the past year — at our memories, the special moments, all of our achievements — and say, “Well that sucked.” So we won’t look back at 2010 too long, just at the important things that happened, beginning in: JANUARY Fallout from the case of accused swindler Phillip Lochmiller continues as he makes his first court appearance in federal court. A U.S. magistrate agrees to release him on a $100,000 bond, but Lochmiller ...

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A Christmas pageant star is born

I miss the Grand Junction theater scene. The fact I actually enjoyed local plays was sort of surprising at first. For most guys, going to the theater is one of those things in life that you know you’re going to hate — until you actually experience it. Then you realize it’s not quite as bad as you thought it’d be. In that way it’s a lot like getting a physical or running a 5K. Or marriage. My first trip to the theater occurred when the company my wife worked ...

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Need advice? Ask the holiday expert

It’s that time of year when the Holiday Expert takes time out from his busy schedule of surfing the Internet for naked pictures of Angelina Jolie to answer your holiday-related e-mails. He’s full of holiday cheer and is seeing the spirit of Christmas everywhere this year. In fact, he even just saw an elf. Then again, it could have been his daughter wearing green pajamas; the Holiday Expert has been drinking a lot of rum egg nog lately. Q. Are you trying to be all politically ...

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When summoned, stick with your convictions

The square, blue piece of mail arrived in November. You’ve probably gotten your share of them over the years: JURY SUMMONS. I arrive early at the crowded third floor room at the Mesa County Justice Center, where I pass the time reading a fascinating Newsweek article about how President Clinton is up nine points over Sen. Dole. Although it’s a nice gesture, the complimentary coffee is hard to gut down. Talk about grounds for dismissal. (Rimshot.) But I’m not here for the ...

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Down to the wires: installing your flat-scream television set

Remember when getting a TV was a big deal? You’d save for one, or make monthly payments, or wait for a wealthy relative to pass away and give you theirs. Then the big day would arrive when you and 78 of your closest friends would help you move the damn thing inside, where it’d take up approximately 400 square feet. To make room for it, you’d sometimes have to get rid of stuff in your house, like a coffee table or a small child. It was simpler to install, too. Just plug ...

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Your guide to an eel-egant Thanksgiving

At last. We’ve been waiting for it for awhile now, and tomorrow it’s finally here. Yep, the Saints are taking on the Cowboys. It’s also Thanksgiving. A day when we gather with relatives to give thanks to God for many things: for our health, for our blessings, for not having to see these people more than once a year. The first Thanksgiving was celebrated at Plymouth Colony in 1621, which many of you may recall from your high school American history studies. Or from ...

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Splendor is cruising for a legal bruising

Every once in awhile you’ll hear about a group of average, ordinary people who, facing adversity, bravely unite in that “can do” spirit of survival and tackle their challenges without complaint, overcoming obstacles and exemplifying the American spirit. This is not one of them. I’m talking about the story of the Carnival Splendor, the cruise ship that broke down off the coast of Mexico last week, stranding passengers on the luxury liner for three days and making ...

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Stupid law? You’re toy-ing with me

Seismologists have concluded that within the next couple hundred years or so, there’s a decent chance a major earthquake could destroy the entire West Coast, leaving the area nothing more than a crumpled mass sliding into the Pacific Ocean. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we wouldn’t have to deal with San Francisco anymore. Like I’ve said before, everything wrong with America can be blamed on the Bay Area. Many evil, disturbing things have originated ...

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Seeking role model athletes? You don’t have to look too Favre

If you ask me, professional athletes get a bad rap. Sure, many of them ingest steroids, drive drunk and assault women (sometimes all in one day), but for the most part, they are decent, regular guys who stick to more normal activities, such as organizing dog fighting rings. I can pinpoint the exact moment when my idolatry of pro athletes began to wane: Fort Collins, July 1978. My parents took my brother and me to the Broncos training camp, seeing as how I was the Broncos’ No. 1 fan. ...

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This year’s treat? Trick-or-meat

You don’t have to glance at the calendar to know the scary day is quickly approaching: There’s the sight of frightening-looking freaks everywhere, people dressing up and pretending to be something they are not, and others going around and begging residents to give them something. Yep, it’s election season, all right. But it’s also Halloween, one of my favorite holidays. Has been ever since my first Halloween as a child back in Granby, when my mom meticulously ...

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Stop the burning itch of cam-pain ads

The other night I came up with a brilliant campaign strategy. Granted, I was drinking heavily at the time, but it still sounded reasonable the next day, so hear me out. We’ll have a politician (Congressman “X”) run an entirely positive re-election campaign. His television ads will be truthful and informative — telling voters specifically where he stands on important issues without degrading his opponent. (I told you I was drinking.) Our ads will be sunny. Cheerful, ...

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An Early Good Morning to You Today, America

Channel surfing the morning network news shows: *Click* Host: Hello, and welcome to The Good Morning America Early Today Show. I’m your white, middle-aged, nonthreatening-looking host, along with my sidekick, a woman or minority. Sidekick: Good morning! Host: In a few minutes celebrity chef Andre LeSnobique drops by. He’ll show you busy working moms out there some delicious, healthy meals that take under 20 minutes to prepare — assuming, of course, you have two prep ...

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Aliens, welcome to Earth. No, we can’t explain Lady Gaga

If it bothers you that 600 million America taxpayer dollars are given to the United Nations each year, please know that your money is being spent on only the most vital and necessary programs, such as establishing a welcoming committee to greet aliens from outer space. This real committee is part of UNOOSA, or the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, which, it turns out, has absolutely nothing to do with astronauts who cheat on their spouses. According to published reports, the ...

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Poo-Bear, when did you become the establishment?

It’s important that you go to the dentist often so that you maintain good oral health and so that your dentist can make the lease payment on his Mercedes S550. Regular dental checkups are extremely vital, which is why I make it a point to go once every presidential administration. Sometimes that means I drag myself there once every eight years. In more extreme cases, it means I’m hoping to see the 22nd Amendment overturned. Nothing good ever comes from visiting the dentist. ...

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Family reunions and other reasons to drink

ESTES PARK — Greetings from beautiful Estes Park, gateway to Rocky Mountain National Park and home of the famous Stanley Hotel — the inspiration behind Stephen King’s terrifying thriller, “The Shining.” I’m here for something even scarier: a family reunion. Reunions are intimate, private get-togethers, so I won’t mention which side of my family is holding the reunion because that would upset my father-in-law. For our purposes, let’s just call ...

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