Marriage, divorce and a new unit to measure time

By Penny Stine
Friday, November 4, 2011

I don’t usually read anything except the headlines when it comes to the tabloid magazines, (and how can you not read the headlines when standing in line at the grocery store?) and I don’t watch most of the reality shows on TV.

I’d rather not keep up with the Kardashians and I seriously wish that I’d never heard of Snooki or wasted even one second of my life wondering whether she hides her valuables under that pouf.

It’s not that I’m so intellectual I consider myself above it all, it’s just that I’ve got more important things to do, like trim my toenails and feed the dog. Plus we cut the cable bill to save a little cash and I’m pretty sure the tackiest of the reality stars can only be found on cable.

It’s been hard not to notice the biggest celebrity gossip this week, however, since the marriage and subsequent divorce of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humpries have grabbed more headlines than the European debt crisis.

Is it a sad commentary on the shallowness of our national curiosity or do we chalk it up to one of those weird, “so freakish I can’t keep my eyes from staring,” experiences?

At 72 days, it’s not even close to the shortest celebrity marriage ever — that honor goes to none other than the king of heartthrobs himself, Rudolf Valentino, who married someone for six hours in 1919. Compared to that, the Kardashian/Humphries union was a lifetime. Two lifetimes, if you count it in terms of the lifespan of a fruit fly.

Compared to the lifespan of some of the leftovers in my refrigerator, however, 72 days is truly the blink of an eye. Right now, I’ve got homemade mustard barbecue sauce that’s been in the fridge since early July. I’ve kept carrots so long they start to grow fuzzy little rootlings. Heck, I made too much Christmas cookie frosting one year and it lived happily in a small plastic container in the fridge until I made cookies the following year, when I decided to throw it out on principle.

OK, so I admit that I don’t clean out my fridge near as often as I should, but really, shouldn’t marriages last longer than last week’s meatloaf?

While doing some quasi-research for this column, I read about a couple in Poland who decided to call it quits after they got into an argument while cutting the cake. Evidently it’s not just the Hollyweird couples who decide “I do” is great, until they don’t feel like it anymore.

Maybe the Polish groom was one of those guys who think it’s funny to smear wedding cake goo on his lovely bride’s made-up face and she was one of those girls who can’t find her sense of humor under a layer of frosting.

I wonder if reading about the short-lived marital woes of others makes us feel better about our own marital status. The singles among us can thank their lucky stars not to be tangled with someone as loony tunes as that and the married folks can realize that while we may not be anybody’s Princess Charming, at least we’ve demonstrated staying power.

The ill-fated marriage inspired someone out in cyberspace to come up with a new measurement of time: the Kardashian, which turns out to be 72 days. Poor Kim, she filed for divorce after one Kardashian, citing irreconcilable differences.

I can’t help but wonder how it’s possible to reach the point of irreconcilable differences after a mere 72 days. How do you even know what your differences are at 72 days?

With more than 27 years under our belts, (or almost 138 Kardashians) I’m happy to report that my husband and I have pretty much nailed down our differences, although every day has the potential to create a few more. Yessiree, we’ve been able to identify and reconcile most of our differences up ‘til now.

There are still a few mysteries too deep for understanding, but nothing that should keep us from a longer and happier life together, from this day forward, for the rest of our lives.

Or at least 72 more days.