An Early Good Morning to You Today, America

Channel surfing the morning network news shows:


Host: Hello, and welcome to The Good Morning America Early Today Show. I’m your white, middle-aged, nonthreatening-looking host, along with my sidekick, a woman or minority.

Sidekick: Good morning!

Host: In a few minutes celebrity chef Andre LeSnobique drops by. He’ll show you busy working moms out there some delicious, healthy meals that take under 20 minutes to prepare — assuming, of course, you have two prep cooks at your disposal and access to a fully stocked demonstration kitchen.

Sidekick: That’s right. Then later on, our travel expert will share with us some beautiful vacation gateways that you can’t afford. In our second hour, relationship expert Linda Flowers will offer tips on how to stalk an ex-boyfriend. But right now, we turn to our jolly weatherman, Wilfred, who comes to us live today from Yellow Bunion, N.J.

Wildred: I’m here with Ida Mae Tannenbaum, who’s celebrating her 153rd birthday today. This firecracker of a lady has survived numerous wars, a Great Depression and even once dated Ulysses S. Grant. Tell me, Ida Mae, what’s the secret to a long life?

Ida Mae: Who’s Ida Mae?


Host: We’re joined now by Bobby-Joe Dalton, a survivor of yesterday’s devastating tornado that destroyed the entire town of Beaver Butt, Ark. Sir, tell us what you were doing when the tornado hit?

Bobby-Joe: I was on the toilet, reading my NASCAR magazine and suffering through a case of diarrhea.

Host: Were you scared?

Bobby-Joe: Not really. I’ve had diarrhea before.

Host: No, I mean about the tornado.

Bobby-Joe: Oh that. Yeah, sort of. Especially when I saw a flying piece of metal kill my neighbor.

Host: That must have been difficult.

Bobby-Joe: Heck yeah. The S.O.B. owed me 20 bucks.


Wilfred: Ida Mae, after 153 years, what are some of your favorite memories?

Ida Mae: (silence).

Wilfred: Ida Mae?

Ida Mae: Where’s my Jell-O?


Host: Switching to entertainment, all this week we’ve been talking to people who have become wealthy celebrities despite having no discernible talent whatsoever. Today we’re visiting with a Hilton or Kardashian sister, I forget which one. Tell us what it’s like having your own reality show?

Celebrity: It’s, like, a lot harder than people think. I mean, like, some days, like, I am literally out of bed before 9 a.m.


Sidekick: Mmmm. Chef Andre, this recipe is delicious! Will our viewers be able to easily make this from their own home?

Chef Andre: No.


Host: How were you able to survive the tornado, when so many people in Beaver Butt perished?

Bobby-Joe: My wife’s momma has a storm cellar. So, basically, I had two choices: stand there and get hit with flying debris and die a slow, painful death, or go hang out in a basement with my mother-in-law. After thinking it over for a few minutes, I decided to go to the basement.


Host: Ms. Hilton or Kardashian, how do you respond to critics who say you are nothing but a rich spoiled party girl who lives a soulless, meaningless life?

Celebrity: That’s totally unfair. People don’t know the real me. This past summer, I spent 40 hours working at a soup kitchen.

Host: Yes, but that was part of your recent plea bargain.


Host: I understand that many people in Beaver Butt lost beloved family pets. Tell us your heartbreaking story.

Bobby-Joe: I was rescuing our 3-year-old daughter, Tanya-Sue, when I saw that my dog was still in the kitchen. The storm was coming so fast, I didn’t have time to rescue both of them.

Host: I’m sorry about your loss.

Bobby-Joe: Well we’re hoping Tanya-Sue will show up eventually.


Wilfred: Once again, Ida Mae, happy birthday. It sure was a pleasure to visit with you.

Ida Mae: Who the hell are you?


Host: That wraps it up for now. Tune in next hour for our weekly health segment, where Dr. Dean will show you how to get rid of your child’s head lice using only a spatula and a blow torch.


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E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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