Jussel: Here’s how the Pats came to sign Tim Tebow
Tim Tebow is now a member of the New England Patriots.
And the world is a better place for it.
Here’s how it all went down, according to a sometimes-reliable source:
Josh McDaniels — yes, that Josh McDaniels — tapped on the office door of his mentor, idol and boss, Bill Belichick.
“Who is it and what do you want?” boomed the head coach of the Patriots.
“Coach, it’s Little Josh,” came the squeaky reply, “the kid who calls all the plays for you. I have a great idea I think you’ll want to hear.”
“Come in and make it quick,” the great and gruff Belichick thundered.
Little Josh meekly approached the Oz-like figure behind a large mahogany desk that was covered with an inch-thick marble slab. It was obvious from the empty Mountain Dew cans that cluttered the floor and the overworked Mr. Coffee in the corner that the head coach had been working overtime trying to conjure up yet another way to gain another edge on the rest of his National Football League foes.
“Coach, remember when I was coach of that team in Denver? I actually got to pick my own team,” Little Josh said. “Well, there was this kid who always seemed to win games, and I wanted him because I thought he could become a really good player. I picked him, and he actually turned out to be OK for a while.”
“Are you talking about that Christian kid from Florida, that left-handed lummox who couldn’t complete a pass from me to you?”
“That’s him, Timmy Tebow!” replied Little Josh.
The great gruff one took a final sip of caffeine, cast a quizzical eye on his young charge and said, “Why in the world would we want him? We are a team built for precision; my Patriots are perfection personified. That’s what I have created. And you want me to give him a chance? Give me a reason. And it better be good.”
Little Josh had come prepared.
“I don’t have one good reason. I have three,” he said, gaining confidence as he went.
“First, every media outlet in the English-speaking world will want a piece of Timmy. The Patriots will be the talk of the sports world for months. It will be great PR.
“Second, he will make other teams prepare for him, waste precious practice time working on defending the option attack that we have absolutely no plan of using. They will be preparing for Tebow, and we will give them Brady.
“Finally, and this is huge, while everyone is writing stories about Timmy, no one will be able to deal with what really matters — our lack of receivers, our weak defense, the loss of Wes Welker to that team in Denver, our possible regression, maybe even demise.”
With that, Little Josh smiled and looked for reaction.
Little Josh blinked. Had the great and gruff one bought into it?
“You’ve got your wish, but only to a point,” Belichick said. “We bring him in and let him do his thing through the summer. We let him practice at quarterback. Then, after he fails, we do what should have been done a long time ago: We turn him into a tight end. You can never have enough tight ends.”
Little Josh smiled.
The great and gruff one headed back to the Mr. Coffee machine for another jolt.
CAN’T GET ENOUGH TEBOW?
Tebow’s signing has created yet another cottage industry: Tebow proposition bets. You, too, can now make money off Timmy. Bovada.lv website released a number of Tebow-related prop bets immediately after his signing early this week.
Will Tim Tebow make the Patriots’ 53-man Week 1 roster?
Yes: minus-400 (bet $400 to win $100); No: plus-250 (bet $100 to win $250).
Will Tebow start a game as a QB for the Patriots in the 2013 regular season?
Yes: plus-600 (bet $100 to win $600); No: minus-1,200 (bet $1,200 to win $100).
Will Tim Tebow throw a TD pass in the 2013 regular season?
Yes: plus-200 (bet $100 to win $200); No: minus-300 (bet $300 to win $100).
Will Tim Tebow attempt a pass in the 2013 regular season?
Yes: minus-300 (bet $300 to win $100); No: plus-200 (bet $100 to win $200).
And, yes, even an over/under bet: Tebow’s total rushing and receiving touchdowns in the regular season will be over or under 1.5 (bet the amount you want).
Rick Jussel is a former Daily Sentinel sports editor (think Dark Ages) and Grand Junction High School journalism teacher who belongs in the Armchair Quarterback Hall of Fame, if only there was one.